Turning Being “More Enlightened” Into Who You Are

Kelly Hatfield: 00:00:00

Welcome to The Missing Secret Podcast. I'm Kelly Hatfield,

John Mitchell: 00:00:03

Hey, and I'm John Mitchell. So here's a good topic today, Kelly, turning enlightenment into who you are. And let me maybe explain this a little bit. You know, I see that as as we get older, we get more enlightened, right? Yep. Or Sure, you see how you've gotten more enlightened over the years, right? Yep. Well, you know, I certainly have, of course, I started at a low bar, but I have seen as an example. I'll give you two, two examples. You know, in my past, like a lot of people, maybe we get frustrated with technology, right? And there have been times where I'm like, you know, I yell and and and get mad at the technology when you know it's probably user error, but I bet all, but nevertheless, I would lose my my temper. I would not I would rarely ever lose my temper over anything. But technology seemed to be one of those things, and it didn't happen very often, but it did happen, and I'm like, you know this is enlightenment. I'm like, Well, how does that serve me to get all worked up? And you know, that just doesn't serve me. And so, you know, I had that enlightenment, and then I'm like, Okay, well, let's fix that. And I put it in my visualization, and you know, it goes away. You know, I just stopped doing that and put this in probably two or three years ago, and but it's a good example of how, as you get older, you get more enlightened. And with this tool, you can turn it into who you are, rather than being an intention. Because if you were just the regular person and you say, Well, I'm not going to get angry when I get upset with tight technology, in the vast majority of cases, you're going to realize that after the fact, if you even recognize it at all. And so it's an intention, and that's that's the essence of it. And another example I'll give you is, and this is fairly recent. I got enlightened about before personality types. So you know, under the DISC profile, like I'm a I'm a D, which is what CEO type and dominant and and I, I move fast, and I'm more focused on the task. You know, that's, that's the determining factor is, of which of the four personality talks you are is, do you do things fast or slow? And are you people oriented or task oriented? So I became aware of this, and I realized, you know, that, like I'm a I'm a D, and like, Ginger is a c, a c for conscientious. And so she's going to do things slow, and she's going to be task oriented as well. And so I noticed that in the past, I would if I was driving and I got behind somebody that was slow, I'd be like, Come on, let's go. Let's go. And then I realized I'm like, Well, wait a minute, there's a couple things going on here. You know, that person is obviously not a B, they're probably a C, and they have the right to go slow, just like I have the right to go fast, you know, one's not more, you know, appropriate, than the other, necessarily. And then I also got in my head that there are things in life where, you know, you just don't have control. And it's like, if you're driving down a two, two lane road and somebody is going slow and you can't pass then they have control. You may not like it, but they have control. And there's times in life where your impatience is rising up and you have zero control over it. So what's the value of getting worked up about it? And so that's the type of thing that it literally, I put in my visualization and like that. It's fixed. You know, that's now who I had become. And I love the power of being able to figure out something that makes me more enlightened and then make that who I met, who I am, by influencing my subconscious mind with it, by feeding it every day. So and I know, you know, one of the things I want to I'll share with our audience, Kelly gives me this great podcast from Mel Robbins, who talks about communication, and Kelly, once you take it from there, I've taken no. Thoughts on it so I can refresh your memory. But why don't you take it from there and explain what you've learned? Yeah,

Kelly Hatfield: 00:05:05

I'll give and I'll put it too in the context of this enlightenment. Because, you know, I think so many times we hear great ideas, you know, or we hear great strategies or techniques, and we talk about this all the time, you know, it's getting those strategies and techniques to show up in your everyday thoughts and actions, and that's what this methodology does. And so hearing something enlightening in a podcast. So for example, this podcast that I sent you, Mel Robbins, and often, I didn't know we were talking about this today, and so I don't have the exact the guest name, but she had an expert on communication. He's a big influencer. He's a lawyer, and makes these short clips on YouTube, and I think Tiktok that are related to communication, and they're in these little bite sized pieces. Anyway, she had him on the show, and there were several different communication kind of strategies that he shared that immediately resonated with me, because one of the things that is part of my identity is being a great communicator, and so I'm always kind of looking for ways that I can continue to hone that because, you know, it serves every area of your life. And so anyway, of those techniques that he shared and and we'll go over a few of those. I'm excited to hear the ones that really resonated with you. I took those and I put those into my visualization so that I could begin to train my subconscious mind to to recognize what those triggers are. So then I could use these different techniques, and they're coming like I am. I've already integrated them and have some and have several examples, you know, at least one example for each one of these that I'm going to share, that where I was able to utilize it in the moment, because I had built this into my visualization. And there's lots of things go at work here, right? Because, because part of my identity as being an excellent communicator. My reticular activating system is always looking for things that are going to help me continue to be a better communicator and hone that. So that's the first thing I want to point out, is that I received this information because and saw it and it resonated with me, and I decided to listen to this podcast, because that is something that's important my record, my reticular activating system knows that's important as part of my strategy for success and communication. So I want to point that out, first, you know, and then now that I'm listening to the podcast, I'm pulling out those pieces that resonate with me and then building those into my visualization, so I can hardwire those into my subconscious. And so I wanted to kind of give that 30 foot view. But as far as the actual, some of the things that I learned from a communication standpoint that just really I went, Wow, was as a leader, you know, and I've talked before in the past about, you know, being a people pleaser in the past, that's not part of my identity now, but it's something that, you know, what's kind of I mean, I want to please people exactly No, I'm like Ben over

John Mitchell: 00:08:12

Blazing anybody

Kelly Hatfield: 00:08:14

You know, but it still is part of my when I'm about ready to have a difficult conversation, or I will be someone who will. It's not the sandwich technique where you give the good the crap, and then this, yeah, and then a good on the other end. It's not that. But I'm, I'm, I will say something like, Hey, I'm sharing this with you because, you know, and I want you to receive this in the manner in which it's intended, which is to help you get better and improve. So I'll use that, but it still, you know, softens it. And this expert was talking about, you know, when you approach a conversation in a way where you're like, oh, you know that we're going to have a hard conversation. And, you know, it doesn't meet like when you go into it with that the message that it's sending, the person that is receiving going to be receiving the information is that you don't have confidence in them, that they've got the emotional intelligence and strength to handle what you're about to say, you know. So rather than going into that conversation with that approach, you're going in with you're going direct, so you're not beating around the bush. And how was your weekend? How was that like, you're going straight in, you know, and you're saying, hey, what I'm about to share with you, I'm sharing with you because I know you can handle it. And you're in a place right now, you know, where you can take this information and grow from it, and then you're going right in to the information, because then you're sitting in them like, oh, yeah, I am. I can't handle this, you know, I'm sharing this with you because I know you can handle it, right? It's frames the conversation so much differently than when you do it the other way, I will try to soften it somehow, and the message gets lost in sugar, you know what I mean. And so, you know, it's agonizing for the other it is for the other person. It's agonizing, you know? And. And and just stress inducing, it's best. So, you know, hearing that now as part of my communication section of my visualization, you know, I have language in there that talks about when I'm going to have a difficult or challenging conversation. You know, I am direct, and I frame it in a way that is positive for them, like I'm sharing this with you, because I know you can handle it, right, you know, or so I'm using, and I gave a couple of examples in that, of that in my visualization, and I've had a couple of those conversations with team members, and I've had a very different outcome. I mean, their body language is even different going into the conversation. It's not like they're going, oh shit, you know, what's about tech? What's about to happen, you know? And so that was one of the strategies that I really loved. And then another one, and this goes back to what we've talked about before, which is some of the one of the baseline of of excellent communication is seeking first, to understand. And so he gave an example of where, you know, or Mel gave an example of where she kind of had said something stupid at dinner, you know, and she ended up upset her husband, you know. And they kind of start going at it right after they are, you know, get away from everybody, and they're in the car on the way home, you know. And so to defuse that, you know, instead of like, so, the person you know, like, so, for example, saying, Hey, I could tell you were upset when I said that, you know, what did you hear, you know, when I said that, you know, so then so understanding, like, what caused that reaction, you know, rather than getting defensive, right, they get like, why are you so upset about like, I could see that being an approach, you know, one would take. But yeah, it was so just asking that question. Now, what did you hear? You know? So this is what I said, but what did you hear? Because those could be two very different things, right? You know what I mean. And so again, not seeking first to understand, and then I use that specific phrase. And then just over the holidays, you know, sometimes we can have interesting, you know, relationships with parents and, you know, relatives and that kind of a thing. And so, you know, a snarky comment, you know, that's made, or a backhanded kind of compliment, or something along those lines, where part of the strategy is having them say it again. So, like, excuse, would you say that again, please? Yeah, you know, because so many times I don't think there's an intention to hurt. It's an offhanded, you know, kind of comment or whatever. And when you make them say it again, you know, kind of what that creates, like, oh, like, when it isn't off handed and off the cuff, and you're making them say it again, it just puts a hold of it feels not good for them to say it again, you know, but it's a ride back on mail exactly, um, because it's not about you. What they said to you isn't about you. It's about something that's going on with them, how they feel about something. It's not about you at all. So you by saying, you know, making them say it again. You're putting them, you're putting it back on them instead of you. And so I love the idea of setting that boundary and of just not swallowing it, because So sometimes I'm just like, part of me too. In so many of these instances, I don't care. You know what I mean? Like, you can say whatever you want to me. I'm strong. I stand strong and who I am in my identity. And you can say what you want to me or about me, you know what I mean, and it'll be just like, you know, it just rolls right off. But you know, there is something to be said for, you know, some of these relationships and just not taking it, you know what I mean. And so I loved that technique of making them say it again when you So, if you I have in my visualization, if I have a, if somebody creates a physiological response, like, if I have an where I just go, oh, you know, or I'm like, oh, you know, like, there's something that sets off that physiological response in me. Then I ask them to repeat it, yeah. And so that's part of what is I added to my visualization as a result of what I learned. So back to that, using this methodology to enhance your enlightenment, right?

John Mitchell: 00:14:09

You know, I can't wait to use this on my best friend, Bobby, because, you know, it's I, I'm always interested in the dynamics between with men and women. You know, women with their friends are all totally supportive. Oh, and you know, they they've always trying to build up their their women, but men, just the opposite. Really know each other well. Is like, what? What dig can we? We lay on him. And so this with my my best friend all the time. We always have a belly laugh every day. And so I can't wait for him to give me a cut, and I'm gonna go, Bobby, what did you say? Say it again. And he was. Say it again, and I'm gonna go, God, you know, you must be really having a bad day and feeling insecure, be attacking me like that. So what's, what's,

Kelly Hatfield: 00:15:11

What's going on with you? You, he's gonna die laughing.

John Mitchell: 00:15:19

You're, you're having a middle l Price is Right?

Kelly Hatfield: 00:15:25

Oh, my God, that's so awesome.

John Mitchell: 00:15:27

This could be great.

Kelly Hatfield: 00:15:31

I'm gonna be awesome, you know. And what I found interesting about all of these techniques, and I'm interested, if there were any more that resonated with you, was that totally what it does people aren't used to being communicated with this way, I mean, so they're like, it kind of sets them back a little bit on their heels. Like, wait a minute, what just, you know, let me and it immediately shifts the energy and it changes the kind of might the frame of the conversation. And so, yeah, I'm excited to continue to use this and kind of hone this craft a little bit, but I got some major pearls of wisdom. And then, again, to your point, the cool thing about it is to be able to integrate it, to now actually be able to use this,

John Mitchell: 00:16:10

Right? You know, you know, I don't think that there's many people that are actually insulting you or me, but it would be a family member if it ever happened, it would be only, probably be a family member. And you know, one of the other things that I, you know, it's it, this is so good. I have another podcast I do that I do each week for the head coaches at the University of Texas. And I'm so I'm going to give them this. And when I do that, I always give them a recap of what we learned every Friday. So I was just doing this warrior king on the air. And here's another one. When people ask you how you are, it's good to always have a response. And you and I have talked about this before. You know, one of the things that they say is, don't be too quick to give the response. You know, as someone says, How are you doing? They go, fine, and I'm doing good. Just pause for a second go, you know, um, I'm fine. Thank you for asking. You know, that's way more impactful than Oh, I'm fine. You know, it's, actually showing respect to the other person, right?

Kelly Hatfield: 00:17:24

Well, yeah, and I think too, because we're programmed when somebody asks us how we are to just quickly give the canned response or whatever, that I think it's so much more respectful to the person asking it. And what do we all want? We all want to feel heard and seen, and when you pause like that, that's exactly what it creates in that communication that you're having with this with this person, is that you you heard, you're processing what they asked, and now you're going to answer it. And it has a whole different energy to that exchange than it does to just go good and you, you know, it's a difficult feel to it than what you just demonstrated, right?

John Mitchell: 00:18:05

Yeah, and another one she talks about is having conversational values and goals and like, if someone says something unpleasant to you, one of her responses, or what the guy that was talking about this, his response was, you know, I can't even dignify that with a response I had. That's not how I roll. Not even gonna get down on that level. Yep, buying that you've got a level, and they have gone beneath your level. And so, you know, I mean, that is pretty cool. I gotta say

Kelly Hatfield: 00:18:43

It is, if you want to be, you know, like, you know, as far as just your leadership skills, as far as your I love that too, because I do believe in, like, don't get into the gutter. You know what I mean? With someone like, have a standard for the way you're going to interact with people. And I love that. There's this kind of canned, not canned, I don't mean that, but like response that you're going to have kind of locked and loaded in the event that something like that comes up. Because here's the thing, I think, when you're unprepared, you know that kind of stuff, when, when you're going to give that response? You know, we don't often prepare for those kinds of things, you know what I mean. And so you can let your emotion get the better of you in a situation. But if you know in advance, and you kind of have that locked and loaded that like, hey, if somebody crosses a line with me, or like, this is my response to that, like, changes the dynamic of the relationship and of that communication, because, you know, because I don't know you're, you know you're, there's kind of a different dynamic, I think, oftentimes, between male female, I think generationally and everything, but in the past, being like the only woman in the room sitting around a table, you know. So if something is said that, you know, is negative, you know, in some way, shape or form, like I literally would have a physiological response in my body. I could feel my heart start racing. I could feel, you know what I mean, at the heart of it was because I was like, I can't believe that they just said that to me. And this is all happening behind the and not having a response for that, like, I don't know. Like, what do I say to that? You know? So this, having these strategies, and then having them built into this visualization, so that in the moment when something like this comes up, you are ready. The confidence, too, we talk a lot about, you know, with this methodology, the confidence that comes from using it. This isn't a perfect example of that. Like, I'm not afraid to walk into any situation, because I know that if it gets, you know, if I'm put in a situation where somebody crosses a line, from a communication standpoint, I know exactly what I'm gonna say. So, like, all the nerves are taken out of that, you know, scenario, because I know I've prepared,

John Mitchell: 00:21:06

Right? But you know, that's a great point, and I think that, you know, a lot of times people want to be a certain way, but they're not that way. And when you train your subconscious mind, that's who you become. You know, your conscious mind can decide, oh, I'm going to be this way. But unless you're feeding that to the subconscious mind and turning that into who you actually are, then that's not who you will be. You'll have the intention to be it, but you won't be it. And she talks about what you say is who you are, and you Yes, press your personality into what you said. Boy, isn't that interesting. It is,

Kelly Hatfield: 00:21:47

Yep, absolutely,

John Mitchell: 00:21:50

Yeah. That's, you know, I that's probably worth putting in, into your visualization. Yep, you compress your personality into what you say, yeah. That is that is powerful because, you know, people understand who you are based on the things you've said exactly. You know, another thing that she talked about is, is how you leave off an energy that people are tuned into. And I just saw this an hour ago, I went down to the University of Texas and to meet with one of my athletes. So I go and I have lunch with him in you know, it's pretty cool at the University of Texas. They have in the stadium, they have the nutrition center for all the athletes. Texas has 550 athletes, and they all have lunch or and dinner and breakfast in this big area. And the food is great. It's really, you know, buffet style, and it's, it's great. And so I'm going up there, and I see this lady that I had just met maybe a couple of times, and she says, Boy, I love what you teach and I love the energy you give off. And I'm like, Wow, what a nice thing to say. And I'm I hope that's true, that that I give off always a positive energy, but we all give off an energy to where people you know, at a subconscious level, go, I like being around him or her, or I don't like being around him or her. It's all that energy,

Kelly Hatfield: 00:23:29

Yep, no, absolutely. I think we've all every single person has that individual in their life, or has had that individual in their life where it's like, oh, you know, like, I kind of avoid them, you see, I go the other direction. Don't make eye contact, because there's such a bummer. You know what I mean? But you know, it's like, oh, I, you know, don't be that person. I guess it's my point. I'm thinking, Yeah, that's the person that people are avoid,

John Mitchell: 00:23:57

Yeah, well, and so as we wrap this up, you know, I think the big takeaway is, think about your communication. And you know, you could probably it's on YouTube, Google, melt Robins and find the communication show she did. But you know, just as or maybe as a quick recap on our end is if anybody insults, you just make them repeat it. Have a standard way of answering, how are you? And make sure you're not responding too quickly. But but have something you typically say, like, I oftentimes say, Hey, I'm living the dream. Well, I feel like I am living the dream. So, you know, just a positive spin, but whatever feels right for you, rather than, Oh, I'm fine. And, you know, there's, there's a bunch others. So anything else to have,

Kelly Hatfield: 00:24:54

No I think, other than you know what I had mentioned, which was just framing conversations and going and being direct. Direct, you know, don't try to, don't create more anxiety by giving, trying to, just making you try to feel better a little bit about the situation. You want to be direct and then also frame it in a way that it's empowering for them. Like, hey, listen, we're having this conversation because I know you're ready for it. I know you can take it, you know, whatever, it changes the dynamic of that. You know, along with seeking first to understand, you know, that's such a big one. What did you hear? You know, here's what I said, What did you hear? And then I love John, the one that you added that I hadn't talked about, which is what you say is who you are, you know. And I want you to, I want to tie this really quickly. I know this is the recap, but I want to leave you with this. You know, one of the quotes that I love is by Maya Angelou, and in essence, it's basically saying, you know, people don't necessarily remember what you do or necessarily say, but let me back up. There's gonna be a tie here, but they'll always remember how you made them feel. Your words, what you say, is part of how you make people feel, right, you know, so examine that. What are the things that you're saying externally? And I would also encourage you to examine the things that you're saying to yourself as well.

John Mitchell: 00:26:11

Absolutely, absolutely okay. On that note, we'll see you next week.