The Power of Talking to Yourself in the Second Person

Kelly Hatfield: 00:00:00

Welcome to The Missing Secret Podcast. I'm Kelly Hatfield,

John Mitchell: 00:00:03

Hey, and I'm John Mitchell. So we got a very interesting show today, and the topic is the power of talking to yourself and the second person. Now, anybody that's doing our methodology knows that that basically our methodology has been built around talking to yourself in the first person. I do this, I'm this, I'm that. And one of the things I became aware of this is research out of Stanford. And a lot of you may know Andrew Huberman, who is worldwide known as a top health expert, Kelly, do you know who you have you heard? I mean,

Kelly Hatfield: 00:00:44

Before? Oh yeah, yep. He's pretty prolific online and, you know, and with his neuro scientist background, and you know what he speaks to, he's really well known online in the, in the, you know,

John Mitchell: 00:00:55

I sort of think that Peter Attia and Andrew Huberman are the top people in the in the world, on on health and also mental research. Joe Dispenza is right up there, but hooverman is the man. And so I want to play about three minutes of the opening of this video. And I think you will It will blow you away, and you'll see why we're making a change to think it be it so we started from the beginning here

Andrew Huberman: 00:01:29

To yourself changes the way your brain rewires itself. It's not just psychology, it's neurobiology, and in just three days, you can start to reshape your internal landscape. What if I told you that your internal dialog, the words you use with yourself, has a direct and measurable impact on your neurochemistry, that it affects your levels of dopamine, adrenaline, and even GABA, the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter in your brain, for three days, I want you to run an experiment. This is not positive thinking. This is self directed neuroplasticity. When you deliberately change your inner language, you're tapping into the prefrontal cortex, the anterior cingulate and the insula areas of the brain responsible for self awareness, emotional regulation and motivation, what we say to ourselves, especially under stress, can either spiral us into a fight or flight loop or activate calm, clarity and focus for the next three days, I want you to do three things, speak to yourself in the second person, say you've got This, not I've got this. Studies show that this shifts your brain out of ego based self critique and into coaching mode. You become your own guide, not your own critic. Start your morning with identity statements, not goals. Say you are someone who keeps promises to yourself, not I will go to the gym. Identity is sticky. It wires deeper into your neural circuitry than intention. Catch negative self talk and label it say. That's a thought, not a fact. This activates your prefrontal cortex and gives you distance from rumination. This isn't motivational fluff, it's neuroscience. The brain listens, the body responds. And after three days, just three you'll begin to feel the shift, less reactivity, more clarity, more energy, you'll start to become the voice you needed to hear. When most people engage in internal dialog, they default to First Person language. I'm anxious. I can't do this, or I need to be better. While this might feel

Andrew Huberman: 00:03:43

natural, studies in cognitive neuroscience and sports psychology reveal that this internal narrative style is actually limiting, especially under conditions of stress or high cognitive load. Shifting to second person self talk, using you instead of I, creates a psychological buffer. This shift activates brain circuits associated with perspective, taking specifically within the medial prefrontal cortex and temporoparietal junction. These are regions responsible for distinguishing between self and others, but they also give us the ability to step back and coach ourselves through difficulty. So instead of saying, I can't do this, you say you can do this. The change might seem subtle, but the effects are profound. When you use you your brain responds as if the guidance is coming from someone else you trust, like a mentor or coach, which increases compliance and decreases resistance. This shift in perspective has been shown to improve self regulation, boost emotional control and enhance problem solving under pressure. Athletes use it, elite military operators use it, and we now understand the neurobiological Re. Reason why it works. Second person language decreases activity in brain areas associated with self critical rumination and increases task oriented focus. From a biochemical standpoint, this can reduce cortisol release and

John Mitchell: 00:05:16

So he goes on and on. This is about a 25 minute video on YouTube, and I'll put it in the show notes for for this, but pretty mind blowing in it.

Kelly Hatfield: 00:05:29

Yeah, it absolutely is. I was fascinated by this, and listened to the full, you know, it's close to 30 minutes a couple of times this morning when she sent that to me, and I thought that was so interesting in, like, the science part of it, and just the part of your brain that recognizes the language, you know, distinguishes between the individual and it coming from, you know, external and how your brain receives that differently, right? I thought that is fascinating and and then I kind of started thinking about some of my own, you know, kind of self talk, you know, that was, you know, we were just visiting a little bit about this offline, but, you know, related to business saying, Man, I'm so frustrated. And then, you know, being able to turn that and reframe that language into you are somebody who has done hard things before, and you can, you can get to the other

John Mitchell: 00:06:20

And pressure and frustrations occur. And when they occur, here's how you handle them, exactly that type of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he gets into it. I don't remember if he covered it in what I the short clip I gave you, but it's all about identity, like and we've talked about this before. We've really been talking about it the last couple of weeks, you take actions, your long term actions always reflect your identity. And you know it's, it's interesting how this, this works, is that your self talk creates your identity. That's, that's what it is. Most people have a sort of a broad understanding of their identity, but when you do like our methodology, you're taking that self talk and you're getting every every syllable right and and fine tuned. And then when you feed it to yourself, that self talk refines and determines your identity. And I was thinking about this idea as Huberman has made me think about think it, be it at a deeper level, just from another perspective, seeing that perspective of you versus I, and I've could sort of come up with this over the last week or so, in you, there's two parts. There's the doer part of you, and then there is the observer part of you. And the doing part of you is the I the observer part of you is the you and and the observer is setting your standards, in my view, as you're like doing our methodology, the the you, per part of you is, is developing that template and defining your identity in each area of your life, and and getting down to the nuances and and Then, once you've got it on the template, your identity is on the template, then you just feed that to yourself every day, in approximately 21 days, that identity that is on the paper becomes the identity that you are. I mean, that's how I see it. What do you think about that?

Kelly Hatfield: 00:08:39

Yeah, I see it the same way. I think, you know where there is now a little bit of, you know, where I'm thinking, Okay, so we're using a lot of I statements inside, you know, the visualization. So right, are you then thinking about changing, you know, the viewpoint, the vantage point, you know, inside the visualization, then

John Mitchell: 00:09:02

Absolutely, I and, and I have, I've done it, and I've been doing it the new way for the past week, and it is pretty cool. Yeah, I could, I can feel it, and it's, it's not that hard to change, you know? I mean, it does take a little while, because you got to now go in and it's, there's eyes all over the place, yeah, but I think it's just a good exercise to watch the shift. You could even take your your life GPS template and give it to Chad GBT, and it would make the changes. But it's not perfect and and it's just sort of easier to just okay everywhere I'm saying, I'm going to say you, and it might change slightly something else that is in there. That's why I say it might be easier than letting chat, GPT do it all. But, I mean, it's so powerful, and this is probably the biggest innovation in in think of it in 20 years. I. I would say, ever since I started doing it, I have always known of the science, and I'd done, observed the research that was done, but in this video, and also one almost identical with the Who's the other? Joe Dispenza, yep, this is, like, the most powerful science behind our methodology today. I mean, never had, like, really one place where you could get all the science and the proven science. And why does, why does you know self talk impact you physiology, your physiology, you know he boy, he gets into it in excruciating detail, but it is so true that your identity is determining your long term actions. Now your identity probably doesn't necessarily determine your short term actions. I mean, you can, you know, move a glass from one place to another as a short term action, but if you're talking about like as an example, say, in health, and you say to yourself, you're a person whose identity is you own your health, and you own the fact that you exercise six days a week, and here's what you do six days a week, and you're specific about it, Then you know when you don't feel like exercising. You're, by God, gonna exercise, because

John Mitchell: 00:11:23

that's your identity. It's not like this is, you know, I'd like to do it, but I don't feel like it. There's a lot of times that you don't feel like stuff. And so I just think it's a powerful concept, and we ought to lean into it.

Kelly Hatfield: 00:11:40

Yeah, I think so too. Because I think if you just given that statement, you know, the difference between, I am someone who, you know, I can't remember exactly what you said, but, but about the exercise six times a week, I'm someone who's focused on my health and interview, and interviews, sorry, my brain is somewhere else, and exercises, you know, six days a week that goes back to that, like intention, right where, and so it feels different than when, you know, I'm reading my visualization, visualization and my GPS, like template, and it says, you know, you are someone who is health focused, you know, and makes healthy choices you know 80% of the time you know, or exercises. You're somebody who deeply cares about your health and your wellness, you know, and therefore you exercise six times a week, and you you know, whatever the case may be, feels very different than I for whatever reason. Well, he said he shared the science on why. The reason that is, and you know what, what I like, too, though, is that if you are out of congruence, you know, so let's say that exercise five times by only five times this week, or whatever, like, it gets you out of that kind of intention, you know, like I have the intention of doing this and versus when it's you, for whatever reason, it just feels like that's so much more stronger and more closely tied to your identity than I because I still kind of feels like it's an intention versus identity.

John Mitchell: 00:13:15

Yeah, they I think that's the essence of what he said. Actually, what he said that in the eye, it's the intention, and in the in the you it's, it's the identity and and, you know, think about this. I mean, I haven't thought, thought about this, but you're great to to bounce this off of. Let's, let's say that, that in my visualization, I say I exercise six days a week and it's Friday. I'm doing it like Monday through or Sunday through Friday, so I mean last day of the week, and let's say I don't feel like doing it. Let's, let's think what the effect would be if in the live GPS template it says I exercise six days a week, and I don't do it. I'm like, Okay, what's the effect on me? Well, I'm going to feel some guilt. I'm going to I'm going to feel some guilt, but I know I'm feeling it because I am so locked in to doing what I say I'm going to do. It's basically to myself. So that's very identity associated. Now let's see if, if I said it differently, you exercise six days a week, because that's your identity. I think it sort of has the same effect on me, but I also think that what you said is exactly right. I is more intention, you is more identity. Use any nuances to that

Kelly Hatfield: 00:14:45

I do. I think one of the nuances that I see in terms of this being more sticky, where identity, the phrase identity is more sticky, right? You spoke to this a little bit, and I don't necessarily think that this is in thinking. About it more deeply necessarily. This is what kicks people off track, which is when you are saying, I you know, and it's an intention, and you get to that fifth day and you don't feel like doing it the sixth day instead of you don't you not only feel guilty, but there's a judgment of yourself that goes along with that, which can start a cascade of negative thought, like, Oh, I didn't, you know, I I didn't do what I said I was going to do, and I, you know, and it starts this whole, like, kind of process in your head that isn't necessarily good from a self talk standpoint, you know, versus, you know, when you are phrasing it, where you know you are somebody who you know is health conscious, treats their body like a temple, you know. And so therefore you exercise six days a week, and you, you know, make the healthy choice with food, you know, 99 of the time, or whatever. Then I don't know it in the moment I may make, I definitely may make better decisions. But I also think that, because it's coming from the external, like a coach or that it doesn't feel there, like there's as much self judgment and as much because I think that's what gets people thrown off track, too. Because what huberman's saying is, you know, if you keep saying this to yourself, like it will, it will, like you will start falling into line. You know what I mean? You will reprogram your subconscious to do the things that you want it to do. And I just think that when I'm thinking more deeply about it again, I'm still processing because I just listened to this this, right? But I'm thinking about those I statements, and how the lack of congruence when you're not doing something. That's an i statement, how that can totally derail and take you back to

Kelly Hatfield: 00:16:46

that subcon, all those old patterns and everything where, you know, so anyway, I'm not sure quite what I'm trying to say. I'm more thinking out loud, but, you know, related to this, but it is a fascinating concept that I want to continue. I want to experiment with and continue to, you know, talk about and understand a little bit more.

John Mitchell: 00:17:04

Yeah, well, you'll, you'll like it. You'll like the change again. I've been doing it for a week, and we're I even have gotten, you know, in the AI algorithm, I had that done by a group of Tech Wizards in in Europe, and so I now have gotten them to change the algorithm. They're changing it next week, in fact, maybe some this week. And so we're, we're going in this direction quickly. In fact, I'm teaching my class think it be it in two weeks, so either little pressure to get it like it needs to be long term and so but the other thing is talking about how a thought, like, if you have a negative thought, just to identify it as a negative thought, is not a truth. In fact, you may want to put that in your life GPS template, when I have a negative thought, identify it simply as a thought, not a truth. That's powerful. And he says, he says that one one second time frame to just identify it will change how you react to it, like, if, if, if you don't take that second, then you assume that whatever the negative thought is is a truth, when, in fact, it's not a truth. It's just a thought.

Kelly Hatfield: 00:18:21

I thought that I was powerful. I thought it was extremely powerful. And then already today, you know, I've used, you know, that you know where I'm like, this is just a thought, you know, it's not fact, you know where. Then it snaps you back into the out of rumination, out of, you know, and brings you back into the present to go, No, this isn't a fact. It was just a thought that came up. It was specifically related to AI and a conversation that was being had with a vendor around it in the end, you know. And so I had this kind of like, you know, moment of like, Huh? And, you know, it was like, that's just a thought that is not fact, you know. And then it allowed me to kind of move forward past that moment, right?

John Mitchell: 00:19:02

Right? Well, this is all very fascinating. And again, I'm going to leave the show notes. I'm going to give you two videos, one by Huberman, and the other by Joe Dispenza. I mean, this is really at the essence of self talk and and, you know, I this, this idea of self talk is interesting how, and I'm going to talk to my clients about this tomorrow, about how everything in life starts with gratitude. Everything truly starts with gratitude, and then gratitude leads to inner peace, and inner peace leads to mental toughness, and mental toughness leads to achievement, and achievement gets us back to to gratitude. And like we were saying offline before you came on, I see that a lot of people deal with negative thoughts and negative inner voice, and I was. On my class last week, I said, You need to be pissed about that negative inner voice. You're not putting up with it. I mean, you need to hate that negative inner voice. I said you don't need to hate it today, but you need to hate it to two weeks from now, when I teach you this methodology, because we're getting rid of it. You're not taking my damn class and walking out of here with a negative inner voice if I can have anything to do with it. But, you know, at the end of the day they gotta, they gotta embrace that, that hatred for that negative inner voice that I have, that I have and you have, yeah, but I'm like people you kind of live your life not being your own best friend. Yeah, man, this thing's too tough to go through life without being your own best friend.

Kelly Hatfield: 00:20:47

And, you know, it's interesting, and I can't remember which Coast coach, but it's a prolific coach in the sports space. He himself is a former athlete, and I can't think of his name right now, but he has this exercise that I took our whole team through that's related to identity. And one of the things that you did, you know, you did your first year best self, like singing, you know, created a character, baby, basically, you know, and use the words that best describe, like the best version of yourself. And then you did, you know, so, like your your true self, your best self, right? You did your anti self on the other side, which is your negative all your negative thoughts, negative voices, and you gave that an identity. And what the really cool thing was, so that when something negative would crop up, you know, in your mind, or there's a behavior that's not congruent with, like the best version of yourself, you can name it, and it would take it outside yourself, so you weren't judging yourself. So you could say, like, in my case, this is not related to the way that Karen is used in today's, you know, vernacular, but I had this Barbie back in the day, me and my best friend, we had this Barbie, and her name was Karen, and she was the ugly Barbie, and like, neither of us wanted her. So whoever had to play with her was really like, you know, this, and we would, and we would, you know, there was just something about Karen none of us liked and how Karen was, you know, so my negative self, but, you know, in naming, it was Karen, you know, another person on the team, because that was just a name I don't like, and I have a negative association with, right? You know, one of my other team members, she's, it was into, like, Disney and all of that. And her negative character was Eeyore, because that was where she would show up at her worst. She was high, like the downer, the Debbie Downer of the group and everything. And so it was then fun when you

Kelly Hatfield: 00:22:37

recognize that language, or, you know, your internal thoughts to go, oh, that's just Karen. She needs to shut up. You know, like

John Mitchell: 00:22:43

You think you were, doesn't give, give that an identity, yeah?

Kelly Hatfield: 00:22:47

That's and, I mean, the whole point of it was to, like, pull it outside yourself, to see it for what it was. And it's real similar to, like, when you have fear or something show up for me, I'd be like, Oh, I know exactly what that is. That's my brain trying to pull me back into old, right? Yeah, new patterns and everything. So sometimes, when you can name it, yeah. And what it does is it does exactly what Huberman was talking about, is it allows you to recognize, to recognize it when it shows up, and then to be to discount it, and to be able to go, get out of here, you know, you're not my friend. You're not like, you know. And so it was just a way to name it, you know, to be able to recognize it. Because I think that you know, as much as we talk about, you know, we talk about it with your students, they're quick to say, Yes, I have a negative inner voice. I think that sometimes when we're talking to our more adult people, right, who are more mature, they're less likely to recognize how negative length have negative self talk shows up. Yeah, yeah. Only what I mean it because it's not in your you're such a loser, you know you should, you should be further along by now. You, you know what I mean. It shows up differently, I think, with the younger group, right, then it does necessarily, with some, somebody who's further along in their in their life,

John Mitchell: 00:24:05

Yeah, when you know the thing that always catches my attention, and this is true with who ran and Joe Dispenza is, is they tell you about it, but they don't tell you how to fix it? Well, that's fine, because, boy, think of me. It is the fix, yeah, by God, I would, I would put it against anything out there. I don't even see anything out there that that even is in close to think it'd be, it, of course, I'm biased, but I really don't, and if there was something out there, I'd be good. What do I can what can I learn from them? But, yeah, literally, there's nothing out there that I see that is, is is teaching in detail the proper self talk, but, but the the essence of the these videos is really the the power of retraining your biology and rewiring yourself through self talk. And it's so profoundly impactful. So, okay. Until next time we will see you.